BabyGirlGodwin

The Ten Most Annoying Singers

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:21:23 -0700

It's stunning to learn that others don't share our tastes. Then again, how did an entire generation embrace faux wood paneling, shag carpets and putting thick plastic on their furniture? Well, someone thought it was a great idea!

Hey, I like Bob Dylan's voice and kept him off this list because I could! Instead, I found the ten singers most likely to make you drive off the road.

Now that's a terrible fate. Not only are you stranded in some ditch, but you're stuck listening to one of these ten singers, who it would seem are singing that way just to mock you. Oh, the injustice.

10) Celine Dion: I know there are millions of people who would beg to disagree, but let's get real, people. She sings 15 notes where one would suffice and turns every song into an anthem for self-empowerment. It's like getting an hour of Oprah condensed into four minutes. She sings. It's time to start the lawnmower.

9) John Mayer: Young people are impressionable. I'm not sure where John Mayer learned his vocal craft. I hesitate to call it singing. It's more like whimpering. And for some reason, this has become a trend not stopping anytime soon. As you'll sadly learn as we go further down this list.

8) Conor Oberst: As the wunderkind who leads Bright Eyes, Conor Oberst was given a certain amount of leeway since he was a young teen when he started out and his precious singing--so sensitive and intimate you could hear the post-nasal drip--was mistaken as precocious. Well, he's in his 20s now and he still sounds like he's swimming back to the womb for protection from this hard, harsh world. Come on buddy, stand up straight and stop trying to imitate the Cure's Robert Smith. He got there first. And even he must know he sounds a little silly.

7) Lily Allen: Contrary to this column, I want to like fresh, young talent. I want to hear singers bring true commitment to their material. The first time I heard Lily Allen I thought it was quaint. Then it seemed every young female singer was determined to sing just like her, as if they're running out of air in their lungs and have to get back to the respirator before the next verse begins. Sure, she's bouncy and spunky. But if I might quote what Lou Grant once told Mary Tyler Moore: I HATE SPUNK.

6) Devendra Banhart / Tiny Tim: I'm not convinced they're not the same person. Tiny Tim was a novelty item singing with that stupid ukulele something about tiptoeing through the tulips. Anyone with any half sense would know it was novelty item that shouldn't be used as the basis for an entire recording career. And for thirty years, it wasn't, until freaky-folk dude Devendra Banhart showed up and started warbling in that unlistenable, untrained vibrato the kind of nonsensical lyrics that didn't sound all that great back when people were taking the kinds of drugs you're supposed to be on in order to enjoy it.

5) James Blunt: All this talk in the media about whether or not waterboarding is torture is moot. Forcing anyone to listen to "Beautiful" on repeat constitutes torture. You want my darkest, deepest secrets? This guy's quivering voice gets you my social security number, my mother's maiden name, my personal PIN and any random government secrets I'm currently harboring.

4) Frankie Valli: Frankie Valli was a hero to some back in his day. I grant you this. He was consistent! He consistently sang in a voice designed to send dogs running for cover and perfect for breaking glass. "Rag Doll, " "Sherry," "Dawn," "Big Girls Don't Cry," the list is enormous. He very well could be tried as a war criminal. Who would object? Seriously? Who?

3) Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins): Yes, despite all his rage he's still just a rat in a cage. Unfortunately, that cage came with a microphone for him to transmit his Smashing Pumpkins hits to a helpless, hapless world at large. While Billy could orchestrate grand walls of guitar and write albums of endless tuneage, he insisted on singing it himself. Except this is not singing in any conventional sense, but rather the sound of a petulant, whiny child. This is what happens when parents don't tell their kids to shut up often enough. Children need to know you don't like them.

2) Scott Stapp (Creed): We could probably start laying the blame on Bono, Eddie Vedder, Jim Morrison and that guy from Blood, Sweat and Tears, but in the end it's Scott Stapp who epitomizes that macho bellow that sounds like a man who's gone overboard at the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and has just received spiritual orders to let everyone know they're going to hell if they don't save themselves somehow. His spiritual torment becomes your problem. Thanks, pal.

1) Michael Bolton: OK, this was easy. C'mon, you knew Mr. Bolton would top the list. Who else can take a love song and turn it into a hernia? When a man loves a woman he doesn't do so by screaming in her ear--so why should it be acceptable for a man to sing a sensitive love song as if he's directing traffic for the hearing impaired? R&B classics deserve their place in musical history and should be protected from this man's desecration of all that is holy. It's only right. Let's make it a law.

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Britney Spears Not Signed On for More HIMYM

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:16:17 -0700

In the wake of online reports saying Britney Spears will be doing another episode of How I Met Your Mother, a source close to the pop star tell Us "Nothing is signed yet.”

The source adds: “No script has been written and until that is done, Britney will not be making a commitment. The offer is there but no decisions have been made at the moment."

Spears, 26, appeared on the March 24 episode of the CBS comedy. She played Abby, a receptionist at a dermatologist’s office who falls for architect Ted
(Josh Radnor) when he comes in to have a tattoo removed. (It was Spears' first return to the small screen since a 2006 cameo on Will & Grace.)

CBS had no comment about her returning to the series.

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Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag Have Club Run-In

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:14:02 -0700

After the drama at S Bar last week, Heidi is determined to have a good girls’ night out. That’s why, even after Stephanie Pratt breaks the news that Lauren could show up at the same club, Heidi makes the best of it.

“Maybe this will be the first time it’s OK because I feel like she always had a problem with me because of Spencer and now that I’m not really with him....” she trails off hopefully.

But no such luck.

When Heidi spots Justin Bobby at the club, she wants to go warn Audrina, but is hesitant to approach her because Lauren and pal Lo are sitting at her table.

When Lauren gets up to grab a drink, Heidi heads over. Eventually, so does new model Justin Bobby.

Lauren returns to the banquette, facing two of her least favorite people at once.

“Oh my God, I have to leave this table immediately,” she declares before making a swift exit.

A few days later, Heidi goes to Stephanie’s condo, only to find Spencer home alone.

Heidi makes small talk about how uncomfortable it was to see Lauren, but Spencer is unmoved.

“I know you want to vent about this,” he says, “but I really have no sympathy for you.” As Heidi turns to leave, Spencer calls out sarcastically, “It was great seeing you. Enjoy your space.”

Finally, while Audrina is out maybe-rekindling with Justin Bobby, Lauren and Lo discuss moving into a house together.

Though it seems like they don’t really want Audrina to be part of their plan — LC: “Remember the first meeting of Justin Bobby, when we named him Justin Bobby? That’s what it will be like every night living together. Fun!” — Lauren suggests that Audrina should move in, too.

And though it seems like Audrina doesn’t really want to live with them either, she reluctantly agrees.

Fun!

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Watch Pregnant Ashlee Simpson Perform on Leno

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:11:35 -0700

Mom-to-be Ashlee Simpson performed her new single, "Little Miss Obsessive," on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

She did not mention her plans to wed rocker Pete Wentz or Usmagazine.com's exclusive report that she is expecting.

Her new album, Bittersweet World (out today), was met with mixed reviews.

The Washington Post said the tracks were "very, very empty," while the Dallas Morning News called Simpson "more listenable than ever." (Us Weekly said the CD "shows that right now, the girl's just after a good time.")

Pregnant Ashlee Simpson Perform on Leno

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Richie Sambora Charged With DUI

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:08:43 -0700

Richie Sambora has been charged with two misdemeanor counts of DUI, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

The Bon Jovi guitarist, 48, avoided a charge of child endangerment, stemming from his March 25 arrest in Laguna Beach, California.

"We felt that in order to file additional counts — in this case, child endangerment — we would have needed additional aggravating circumstances," Farrah Emami, a spokesperson for the Orange County District Attorney's Office, tells Us. "The evidence did not support that."

Sambora spent a night in jail after he was pulled over. Ava, his 10-year-old daughter with ex Heather Locklear, was in the car.

The DUI counts are driving with a .08 or higher, and driving under the influence.

Sambora reportedly had a blood alcohol level of .13 and could face six months in jail.

TMZ.com first reported the news.

Last week, the Laguna Beach Police Department requested a charge of child endangerment.

Sambora is scheduled to appear in court on May 7. He entered rehab, reportedly for alcoholism, last June.

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Beyoncé & Jay-Z: Marriage Is Official

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:07:35 -0700

Put any doubts to rest: Beyoncé and Jay-Z are definitely husband and wife.

Their signed marriage license was filed last Friday in Scarsdale, New York, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

On April 1, they "applied for a marriage license," Scarsdale Town Clerk Donna Conkling tells Us.

"They were very low-key and weren't dressed up," she says. "They did not have a large entourage."

They took the license home that day, Conkling says, to have their hush-hush April 4 NYC wedding.

They signed the document and mailed it in after the ceremony.

"We received it back on Friday," Conkling says.

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switched to sidekick slide

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 10:22:38 -0700

Okay, I know have the sidekick slide lol

132703651_2037493

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Tina Turner Needs to Stop Shopping and Start Singing

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:03:21 -0700

Tina Turner and her main man Erwin Bach were seen spending an afternoon shopping in Milan, Italy. The longtime couple have lived in Europe for many years, and it looks like it is doing 68-year-old Tina well. She looks fabulous! She sure doesn't look 16 years older than Erwin...

For some time now it's been said that Tina is working on a new album. In 2006 she confirmed that she had finished recording a few tracks for it.

I'm still patiently waiting, Tina.

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Tina Turner Needs to Stop Shopping and Start Singing

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:02:35 -0700

For some time now it's been said that Tina is working on a new album. In 2006 she confirmed that she had finished recording a few tracks for it.

I'm still patiently waiting, Tina.

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Julian playing around lastnight

nobody@vox.com(Marlena) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 07:11:09 -0700

Julian playing around lastnight

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